My Anxiety

Your energy is wasted fighting your own mind, trying to take back the control of your thoughts and body. You want to move freely, but the invisible grip turns your body to stone, and most of your strength is used to overcome obstacles NOT of the physical world, but those imposed by your own brain.

People often tell me that I look tense, they tell me to “relax”. Well, that is just not something that I can control. But that’s OK, because after such a long time it no longer bothers me. It even feels natural, because I spent most of my life in this state.

Your mind is often busy making a fuss about insignificant “errors” you might have made today… or are making… or will make sooner or later… And it never forgives you. You are attacked by your own thoughts and forced to fight. You are annoyed and nervous about irrelevant things others don’t even notice. Finally, when it gets really hard, you get annoyed by people’s faces, you can’t even go outside. You get so exhausted from all this that all you want is just to be alone, lay down and fall asleep for a very, very long time. It’s like having to carry those glass bottles with water everywhere you go. Sometimes you just want to let them go, let them crash and allow everything just to “flow through you”. And sometimes you do. Surrendering whatever little control you had, you shed the weight temporarily.

Then it gets better… Your mind calms down, your body relaxes just a little bit. You live for some time feeling much lighter, relaxed.

My therapy is music and sport. I have discovered at the age of ~16 that heavy music can resonate very well with my mental states, that I can “channel” this infernal river of heavy thoughts using heavy music. Listening to music so loud that I can no longer hear my thoughts. Music so heavy that my thoughts seem lighter. I grew to love this type of music so much that now I like listening to it even when I am happy and relaxed.
This music, after some time, inspired and enabled me to start excercising. With thunderous music washing away the thoughts and annihilating forces that try to hold me back I was able to run without struggle, I could lift weights and actually enjoy it. I started enjoying it so much that I never stopped… And now I cannot stop. I always laugh when people suggest me some sorts of sports supplements or diets, or ask if I have some special schedule… Because then I see very clearly that their motivation is completely different than mine. I do it because it feels good. And I start feeling bad quite soon if I stop.
Then again, I got used to sport so much that it is far less effective than it was in the beginning. When I start feeling that it no longer helps, the only thing to do is run faster, push harder and give my mind and body a new shock. It always works. Those times I come home and can’t even get up from my chair without serious effort, but my mind is at ease once more…